Diego Hypolito: I will never again live as not who I am

Brazil’s Diego Hypolito has decided to come out publicly and he told his story on UOL Esporte.

Translation from Portuguese by Clara Silva.

“I want to tell you something.” I was 19 years old when I sent this text to Michel Conceição while in the bedroom we shared at the national training center in Curitiba. I was on the top bunk of the bunk bed, Michel was on the bottom one.”

“I know what it is,” he replied. My heart stopped. But I kept going. “I think I’m gay…” It sounds funny when I remember it. I think?! But it was around that time that I started to know who I was. Michel was well loved by everybody, a very funny and popular guy. And openly gay. That’s why I felt comfortable to confide in him.”

“This very night he took me to a gay club, even though we weren’t allowed to go out while in the national team. I went all covered up: a cap, sunglasses, a hood. This would keep happening in the following years, it was ridiculous. My friends all free and having fun while I was covered in clothing, sweating in the heat, turning my face when someone stared. I was always terrified of people finding out about me.”

“I grew up going to church, I have a tattoo of Jesus in the cross on my arm. Until today I go to service at Bola de Neve church every Thursday. I was ashamed because I thought that being gay was like being a demon, a cursed being living in sin. When I was 10 years old a coach told my mother that she should change the way she was raising me so I wouldn’t turn out gay. She came to talk to me, worried. I was very naive, I didn’t even know what that was. But this stuck with me.”

“When I came to understand my sexuality better, the biggest issue was coming out to my family. People don’t know this, that we come from humble beginnings, my family is from the countryside and very religious. They would never understand. We went through such difficult times, we didn’t always have food to eat, we went without electricity for months. How could I be the source of another problem? They gave up their life in São Paulo to go to Rio with my sister Daniele and me. How was I going to talk about my feelings and the things I was going through when they had to worry about more serious issues?”

“I lived the loneliness of not having anyone to share the difficulties of being a gay person in a prejudiced society. Even though people think there are lots of homosexuals in gymnastics, there aren’t. Everybody made fun of me, of the way I was. My dream was to win an Olympic medal and I would do anything to achieve that dream, even hide who I was. I was sure that officially coming out would make me lose sponsors and hinder my career as an athlete. “

“Gymnastics was my joy so not feeling complete in my personal life shouldn’t be such a problem. I would keep hiding my sexuality to keep my aspirations within the sport alive. And it worked, right? A silver medal at the Olympics. Two golds and three more medals at World Championships. 69 medals at World Cups. “

“I fell twice at two Olympic games, once on my face and once on my butt. I had a panic attack before getting the silver medal in Rio — which was contrary to everyone’s expectations but mine. I achieved my dream and became an example to a lot of people. I am very proud of what I’ve done.”

“But I hate to lie. A few years before, during an interview, a reporter from UOL asked me if I was gay. This was something that had been going around the press for a while. I froze but said that I wasn’t. This experience was awful. Since then I asked my agent to avoid this kind of question from journalists.”

“When I was younger I had lots of problems with self-esteem. I had more problems related to aesthetics than to sexuality. People said so much that I was ugly that I started to believe them. People in gymnastics started to call me Frankenstein and I truly started to believe I was a monster. And then I started dating a guy that I considered to be much prettier than me. I tried non-stop to compensate for the disparity, I even used hair plugs to hide my bald spots. For many reasons this relationship was abusive. Until he threatened to end the relationship if I didn’t tell my family I was gay.”

“I was preparing for the World Championships in China, in 2014, when I gathered the courage to tell my mom. I didn’t have the nerves to tell her by phone, so, again, I sent a text. I told her I loved her very much and that I hoped this wouldn’t change our relationship because I would keep loving her the same way. I was gay. I wasn’t a demon. This thing about being a demon wouldn’t get out of my mind.”

“She didn’t reply to me for a while and when she did, she wasn’t very nice. Since I was the one who was closest to her of all her children, I think it must have been hard for her too. I was very ashamed to face my family. I distanced myself from them for almost a year, I even missed one Christmas because of how heavy things were. My father took it better and Daniele supported me fully. She said she always knew it even though I never said anything.”

“It took many years and a lot of therapy, besides being around other gay people, until I got to be able to talk openly about my sexuality. I think I can set an example to many gay boys who are suffering now and maybe they will stop suffering. Many don’t accept themselves or aren’t accepted by their families and they have suicidal thoughts for not living up to the expectations of others.”

“I want people to know that I am gay and I am not ashamed of it. And it’s not because I’m gay that other people will want to be. This is ridiculous. I’ve already spent many years thinking about what other people think of me. Today I only accept being judged by God.”

“I am not a sexual person. I was never one to hook up with a lot of people. When I went out I had fun just dancing. I did the things that gave me joy, which were to train and to go out with friends. I was very criticized in gymnastics because I liked going out. But I only dated two women and a few men. My current relationship is much lighter and healthy.”

“I don’t see myself as a Frankenstein anymore. A few days ago I went to Tokka, a gay party in São Paulo. At 32 years old, I went for the first time without covering myself, without being embarrassed by who I am. It was the first time I lived what I wanted to live. For me, it was liberating. It was the first time I really had fun at a gay party.”

“Now I can even think about going to the Pride Parade. I want to behave naturally in the environments where I used to be scared. I’m not going to become an activist, I don’t want to be flashy, but if anyone asks me what I am I don’t have to lie anymore. I’m not ashamed anymore.”

“After the initial estrangement, my mom accepted me as I am. I love my parents and all they have done to get my sister, my brother, and me where we are. I didn’t choose to be gay because it isn’t a choice. It’s simply what I am and being gay won’t change the values I have and what I have built with my family.”

“This was the last weight I had to take from my shoulders. Last year I talked about the abuse I suffered from hazing from older gymnasts. They locked me in a piece of equipment nicknamed “the coffin of death”, they made me hold batteries using my anus, and they stripped me naked along with two other athletes to write the words “I am gay” in our chests. One word in each athlete. Just to humiliate us.”

“I had to talk about these things so they never happen again. Nobody has to go through what I went through in order to win. Victory at any cost is something that doesn’t exist. I know that some people may not like me anymore after they learn about my story, I know I may have to face prejudice during service, I know that talking about this publically may irritate people. Nobody has to understand it, but they must respect it.”

“I will never again not live as who I am. I am gay.”